December Babies

It’s a trend amongst end-of-November and December babies. The peppermint trend. If you’re one of these, you’ll know what I’m talking about instantly. The rush of giddy glee you get when you pass the ice cream section at HEB (or whatever) and see Breyer’s Peppermint ice cream in it’s red stripped carton sitting with the pumpkin pie and gingerbread flavours. The same joy you feel when they start putting out peppermint Hershey’s kisses or special edition peppermint hot chocolate. It’s a Winter baby thing.

(Now, I’m not saying it’s exclusively our thing. That would be weird to exclude those born in the other 11.5 months. Nor am I saying that all people born in this narrow time frame like the peppermint flavoured stuff. But in my observations, the majority of the people whose eyes glaze over at the mention of peppermint mocha coffee creamer are, indeed, Winter babies.)

So, the peppermint thing is my favourite thing in the whole world. I look forward to it in July. I start jonsing for peppermint hot chocolate as Monster starts school in August. Totally inappropriate because it’s sweltering and anything warm would probably kill me. I get excited when it’s November, because any minute they’re going to stock the peppermint goods.

I also get excited for December because, of course, it’s my birthday month. It’s my best friend’s birthday month. And it’s Christmas. I love Christmas. All things Christmas. Christmas carols, Christmas specials, Christmas lights. I’m nothing like Fil in this aspect, who is so Grinch-y it’s almost comical. I know it all stems from her childhood, and the fact that her Christmas’ weren’t very bright. She thinks of Christmas as a time to stress over money and gifts and family. But, for me, she’s been trying to love Christmas. So I’m over here oozing Christmas cheer. Don’t mind me.

This Sunday I turn 21. I’m not over the moon about having a birthday, but I am glad I can order a margarita for a treat and adopt Monster. Woohoo!

Day 30: I promised…

Okay, at first, I promised myself I would do NaBloPoMo even if it killed me.

Obviously it didn’t kill me. But I didn’t do it.

And then, last week, I promised myself I would post once, or twice to make up for the whole non-posting thing.

And I broke that promise too.

It’s not like I don’t have anything to say. I could tell you the four wonderful things about my job… and the four terrible things about my job. I could tell you that we may have a donor on hand. I could tell you that I’m so excited about my birthday this Sunday I can hardly keep a smile off my face. I have a lot of things to talk about. Tofurkey day, our new phones, our slow redecorating process, the excitement of February. I really like typing out the word February.

And I guess I will talk about those things. It’s very hard to find myself motivated to blog lately. I feel like we’ve been in TTC limbo for so long, that this blog barely applies to the community I’ve foisted myself upon. I feel surrounded, loved and understood, but I don’t feel like I belong. Most everyone on my blogroll has done the deed and is looking towards #2 or #3. Fil and I are just getting excited and talking more and planning even more (how is that possible when I have a plan tab?!) and it’s starting to seem tangible and real. Maybe it’s this possible-donor. He’s a friend of WonderSperm, our amazing KD who got HIV. The poor guy feels guilty that he can’t donate, and has scoured his friends for a good match. Someone he likes. It kind of hurts the heart. WonderSperm has Fil’s hair, and eyes like mine, and a jawline like McDreamy out of Grey’s Anatomy. The man is gorgeous, and kind, and a beautiful soul and I would have loved to use his DNA, again. So maybe what happened with WonderSperm is holding me back from blogging about this possible YAY! When me 2 years ago would have been all up on this shiz.

And Tofurkey Day was great. We had a big family one at my parents’ house and a small one with my best friend at home. We didn’t weasle out of making a feast, but the tofurkey we did on Saturday was so good it was so worth it all. I can’t say we have much to be thankful for (since we’re still poor and Fil is still sick) but we’re happy that Fil’s tumours seem to be responding to the radiation and that I have a good paying job with benefits.

Speaking of my job.

Here are the 4 good things.

1. The hours. They’re perfect. Even though I get stuck in the worst of the traffic, it gives me time to think things over, listen to music, and relax away from work and home. I do get stressed, but I tell myself to relax. It’s my only ‘me’ time and I cherish it.
2. The people. I have great friends here. The receptionist is marvelous, and everyone is incredibly friendly. I’m close with the people downstairs, and I like to park my butt for a few minutes during my mail run and chat with them. I can count on a good laugh at least twice during my run.
3. The pay. I can gush on and on about the pay because it is so good. I know I don’t make as much as much as most, but it pays the bills and takes care of Christmas. As far as I’m concerned, that is damn good. Also, the overtime pay is great and I get mileage, a big tax free bonus.
4. Benefits. It’s weird to be getting benefits from my job. It feels so grown up. My first job I was part time, but it didn’t matter because I worked with my dad and was already on that insurance as a dependent. Then, as a receptionist, I could have gotten insurance but it was contingent upon being able to get steady employment, and at a temp agency that’s almost impossible. So, having gotten my 3 months under my belt, I’m ready to receive my benefits. From the looks of it, it’s 90-10 with a $750 deductable. It pays for a lot of stuff my dad’s insurance doesn’t cover. Like artificial insemination. 100% coverage of all treatment after a $30 specialist fee. Yeah.

The 4 things I hate about my job.

1. My boss. I said it, my BOSS. If Dooce has taught us anything, it’s not to disclose work crap on the net. But I’ll let that go, because I tell everyone with an operating ear. I hate my boss.
2. The location. It’s a nice area, and I’d love to live here in the future, but it’s far away from my current home and I don’t know if we can afford to move near by. Nor do I know if we’d want to be near by, since my parents are close.
3. The building. It’s gross, smelly and old. The management company takes very poor care of the place and I have to run to the first floor to use the facilities. Also, the elevators have been broken so many times most people are too scared to take them!
4. I feel like I’m not good enough. Like nothing is ever good enough for my boss, she always finds something to pull apart, and when I do amazingly well, there’s always a ‘but’. Maybe I’m just sensitive, but some days I just want to cry from all the pressure to be good. I know, I know. Welcome to adulthood.

So, there you have it. My job. It rocks, it sucks. That’s life. The best thing is the benefits. I feel like my TTC limbo visit is all but over. We just need the sperm and a new place and soon we’ll be staring at OPKs, trying to figure out if that’s really a line or the angle of the light hitting the stick off the mirror.

Congrats to all of you who finised NaBloPoMo. You are better than I, this time.

Day 17: Lame

So, I’m lame. I can’t even keep up with NaBloPoMo. In my defense, I have been incredibly busy since the 12th.

Let me start off by saying that, yes, I realise it’s only Novemeber, but as parents, Fil and I start thinking about Christmas 1 to 2 months in advance. So, while we haven’t even bought our seasonal tofurkey, we’re already thinking about Black Friday deals and wrapping paper.

I only get paid twice a month, the first Friday and the second Friday. It’s obvious where the first pay check goes (rent) and the second pay check is used on bills and household necessities. Due to the time of the year (Christmas), the majority of that second pay check is getting rerouted to presents for the boy and for the family. So far we’ve managed to tackle 4 presents for the boy and one family member totally knocked out, while two others remain partially done. As for my parents and grandparents, we’re at a loss. To cut down on cost, we’re doing joint presents for each pair, but we’re not sure what a good present would be. Eh.

We’ve become ridiculously skilled at managing our budget around this time of year. We’ve made money spread thinner than the last bit of butter on 3 slices of toast. Monster has always had presents under the tree. I’ll admit, it was much easier when he was a Lego freak, because we could fill in holes with Star Wars sets. But, now that he’s gone through and sold all of his Legos and grown past that stage, we’re panicked about what to get him. Thankfully, both sides of the family have promised to pitch in for a group present (Fil’s side is getting us the XBox 360 while my side is getting us the PS3) and we were able to fill in huge gaps with new games he’s been drooling over for months. He’s only getting a few games (4 total, 3 for the new systems and 1 for the old PS2 that he’s getting in his room) but they’re expensive enough to take up a good chunk of our $350 budget.

We’re smart about these things, now. Last year, if you look at the pictures (in retrospect, I didn’t actually get around to posting them), he got a good amount of kids toys. Legos, Nerf guns, plastic warriors. You get the picture. We were completely unsure about our purchases, because he was on the cusp of “too old” and rarely played with his toys that he already had, especially the Legos. We made an agreement, “this is the last year” we said. And it was. We’ve now made the same promise, about light sabers and other kinds of toys, unless he specifically asks for it. It’s a hard thing to swallow, because that means we’re parting with his childhood. Not completely, because in most ways he is still a child, but we’re still packing up the last of his boys sized clothes and getting him shoes that look enormous (and they are, he wears a size 9 in mens, and even at a half size too big, they fit my feet).

I guess what I’m getting at here is that this coming Christmas will be, in many ways, bittersweet. How tightly do I hold onto the memories we’ll make? Will this be the last year he writes a letter to Santa? What about the Candy Cane Monster? Will he still thrill at the sight of a hand written note and candy cane-turned-monster stashed away in his room? I know each memory we create with our son is more precious than gold, but how hard do you hold onto such things, when you never know how long they’ll stay a child?

Next year, we’ll have a whole new set of worries and joys (TTC) to focus on accompanying the Christmas distress. So I’d like to focus hard on my son this year, and think long and hard about what kind of cookies to make Santa this year, because he loves both snickerdoodles and chocolate-chip-peanut the best.

As for song of the day, I think I’ll go with In a Graveyard – Rufus Wainright. I first heard the song in 9th grade, after a friend posted it when the days got long and cold. Because of that, I will always connect that song with the odd cold days here in Texas, and like the past few days, today is one of those. (Also, it’s a beautiful song.)

Day 12: Cosmic Prayers

I have no song of the day because all I can do today is hope that this pay check will last us and hopefully set us back on track.

Christmas is coming up and I’m terrified that we won’t be able to provide Monster with the stuff he wants.

Hell, we can’t even get the kid new shoes or hoodies.

I’m incredibly frustrated that, despite working my ass off, we can’t seem to do better than just scrape by. I know that a lot of our financial instability comes from only one of us working, but how is that fair? She’s fighting cancer. There isn’t a lot we can do.

Anyway, I just feel betrayed and abandoned and can’t wait for this to be over.

Day 11: Veteran’s Day

Song of the Day: Hands Held High – Linkin Park

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I’m dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what’s yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I’m sick of being treated like I have before
Like it’s stupid standing for what I’m standing for

Like this war’s really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn’t cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can’t put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like “what did he say?”

[Chorus:]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it’s something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they’re out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It’s ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There’s bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he’s got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it’s the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like “what did he say?”

[Chorus x6]

[x6]
With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

 

The wars we’re waging today were built by greedy, selfish men. We may have a new president – one I love and admire every day – but that does not change where we are in this war. We’re still there, fighting and dying. I don’t have any respect for our previous president, and I know I have high expectations for Obama. I really hope he follows through.

But, I know Veteran’s Day is a day for the soldiers, not to reflect on the atrocities of war. I do support the troops and hope that our president elects to bring them home, soon.

For me, Veteran’s Day is a day to remember and celebrate the men in my family who have gone to war and come home.

My uncle (paternal side), who went off to war and came bad a scarred and broken man. An injury sustained during duty led to years of addiction to pain killers. Almost 2 years ago, he over dosed on those same pain killers. His ashes rest on our family plot in Ireland, where he always wanted to be.

My great-great uncle (maternal side), who went off to fight in World War II and came home alive to play the fiddle and hunt coons and wild pigs well into his 80s. He is still the only family member besides myself who has ever taken up the violin.

My grandfather (maternal side), who went to war but ended up in a radio tower in Japan, safe from gun fire but not from sake.  For some reason, however, he rarely speaks of his time in the army. Out of all of these, he is the only one still alive.

My grandfater (paternal side), who was just a young man when he was sent to France as a medic in World War II. My grandmother waited for him in New York, where she lived with his mother even though they weren’t married. When he returned, whole and full of life, they married and went on to have seven children, move to Texas, and die in their 60s of lung cancer

Sometime this month I will write about my grandparents, but for now, I’ll leave this post as a standing memory for my veterans.

Day 10: Scary Things Happen

Scary thing happened at work today:

I almost died.

Well, kind of. I had a ‘wow, I could have just died’ moment in the elevators.

I jumped in with the mail cart, ready to head down to the 2nd floor to finish my mail run. The elevator whirred and started to drop … fast … and I felt sick and terrified. It lurched to a stop after what seemed like forever, and after a long minute, the doors banged open and revealed that I was stuck between the 1st and 2nd floor. I panicked, and just as I was starting to wish I had my cell phone, the doors slammed closed and the elevator shot to the 3rd floor, repeated the procedure with the doors (open, slam fast) and fell to the 2nd floor like nothing had happened.

I was so shaken, but finished my mail run and quickly hurried back upstairs (in the same death trap elevator). I got the receptionist on getting that fixed and walked back to the mail room, frantically texting Fil for some comfort.

It was ridiculous, had the elevator fallen I probably would have just been bruised, but not dead. Still, I was scared and every time I step into an elevator now I’m going to be gripping something for dear life.

Song of the Day: Storms in Africa - Enya

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I love Enya. Growing up, I listened to her for sleep, for relaxation, and for enjoyment. Needless to say, I was way different from the other kids in my class who were obsessed with boy bands and didn’t know what Gaelic was.

Enya still soothes me as an adult. I can’t listen to her in the car, otherwise I feel incredibly tired and risk dozing off at the wheel. Forget listening to an album on a road trip! I’m sure that’s the exact reason why Enya CDs were always close on hand during a car trip through out my childhood.

Right now, I’m feeling a deep need to be soothed. After the elevator incident, the distressing attack at Fort Hood (in the town my father grew up in) and Obama’s health care plan, my stress and anxiety levels are through the roof. I shall listen to this on repeat until my blood pressure goes down.

Day 9: Healthcare??

I’d like to write this long post about the new healt care reform bill that got through the house. But I really don’t have the emotional energy to go through that today, or any day, really.

Let’s just say it denies a lot of rights, rights that the president forfetied in favour of passing the bill through. I’m hoping the senate votes it out and President Obama is able to come up with a much better bill.

Song of the Day: Talkin’ Bout a Revolution – Tracy Chapman

Um, there aren’t any words needed, I think.

Day 8: Horror Movies

So, I am one of those weird girls that has nightmares easily, but will sit through a Freddy movie in the dark. Maybe I like being scared? No, I think it has something to do with the way Fil holds me tight whenever something scary comes on, and what happens at the end… Ahem, anyway, back to the scary movies.

A few weeks ago we saw 13 Scarier Movie Moments on Bravo, and being a sucker for getting scared, I immediately got excited. I noticed that at least two titles were on demand (on the cheap Thriller $1.99 channel) and last weekend, Fil and I sat down to watch the first one we found: The Descent (an A).

If you look up a synopsis, you’ll learn that it’s about 6 women who go spelunking and things get all turned around and freaky. What it might not tell you, is that it’s really.freaking.scary and you might have nightmares.

I did.

But it was so worth the $1.99 we paid for it. It was that good kind of scary, that makes your heart race and your palms sweat, and as your breathing faster and faster, you can’t tear your eyes away. I have such a love/hate relationship with those kind of movies, but I loved every second of controlled panic (that’s the key, I can control my panic during a scary movie – except for Nightmare on Elm Street – so it’s okay, unlike being trapped in a tight space, that’s uncontrollable panic) and I can’t wait for my next fix.

Earlier this evening, we decided to watch another movie. Naturally, we tuned into the OND Thriller channel and combed through the archives of relatively “meh” films. Until we saw a title from  the aformentioned list. This time it was Hard Candy (definitely an A-), which earned it’s spot on the list due to a horrifying castration scene. The whole movie is a mind trip, as it deals head on with pedophilia (not pussy footing around the topic like on Law & Order: SVU) in a way that makes you want to high-five baby-looking Ellen Page while you squirm in your seat. Both Fil and I walked away with a look of utter shock on our face. I’m still shocked, actually.

We’ve already seen several movies about the Zodiac killer, and I’m not sure if the one of the list is one we’ve already seen. I’ll have to re-watch the clips that are on the show. But, both Fil and I have seen Ginger Snaps and yes, it is pretty freaky. We also went to see Cloverfield with Monster (at his request) but we had to leave, it made both Fil and I very motion sick. But, from what I saw in the theatre, it wasn’t scary at all. Just kind of cheesey.  Also, I’ve seen Hostel: Part 2 and it freaked me out a lot. But, knowing Fil, we’ll probably have to see it together *shudder* I’m not looking forward to that.

 Here’s the list (least to most scary):

1. The Strangers
2. Cloverfield
3. Hard Candy
4. No Country for Old Men
5. Hostel: Part 2
6. Dairy of the Dead
7. Frailty
8. Ginger Snaps
9. Maniac
10. Zodiac
11. Bug
12. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
13. The Descent

Song of the Day: Thriller – Michael Jackson

Actually, I was in a rush and I wanted a “scary” song. The music video was creepy when I was little, for what it’s worth.

Day 7: Grocery Shopping

I’d like to think we have a great routine for grocery day, but I know that’s not the case.

Since Fil is on forced medical leave, she gets to keep her Medicaid and her Food Stamps. We get a little over $350 a month for groceries, and it’s always on the 3rd of the month. Usually we do a whole months worth of shopping on that one day, ripping the bandaid off fast I guess you could say. Normally this works alright – we huff and puff up three flights of stairs, at least four times, and for the next hour clean out the fridge and pantry and restock. It’s a pain, for sure, but we’re done and only need to fill in with bread, milk and veggies as the weeks go on.

Occasionally, it doesn’t work out so well. Like this past week when food stamps came in, it was a Tuesday. Both Fil and I knew there was no way we could accomplish a full grocery run on a weekday. We’re usually in the store for 2 – 2.5 hours on a big shopping trip. It involves two grocery carts, a calculator and a lot of patience. I don’t have a lot of patience during the work week, so we opted to grab a few things to fill in for the rest of the week and we’d get the shopping done on Saturday - er, today.

I can tell you that it sucked. I don’t know why we don’t just get it done on a weekday, when it’s not as insane and packed with loud, obnoxious UT students. Saturday, the good vegetarian selection is picked over and the vegetables have been horribly manhandled. It’s just all together frustrating and I dread dragging pounds of groceries up and down the stairs.

But, it’s all worth it, in my opinion. By the time we’ve finished and cleaned up dinner, our fridge smells nice and clean and it’s packed with yummy foods and so is our pantry. It gets very scary at the end of the month, when we’ve got some bread, milk and a bunch of Zataran’s sides… and nothing else. Be careful if you ever come to our place – our freezer is perpetually booby trapped, you might have a box of our son’s Le@n Pockets jump out at ya.

Song of the Day: Jump (for my love) – The Pointer Sisters

What’s not to love? It makes me feel happy inside, and after that shopping trip I feel triumphant enought to dance. On the inside, of course.

Day 6: OMG

Yeah, I had to do that, because this is an OMG kind of post.

Fil’s been receiving radiation for the past two weeks, every Tuesday. And yesterday? Her doctor called with her latest MRI results:

The tumor on her kidney? SHRANK. BY 1 MM YOU GUYS.

I know it’s not a lot, but her doctor is optimistic and he thinks Medicaid will now pay for full treatments and he’s got an oncologist willing to help.

Y’all…

This could mean that Fil gets better. That Fil goes to work. That.. OMG. My brain can’t handle it. I’ll just leave you with a song.

Song of the Day: Perfect Fingers – Tami Greer

In honour of my Fil, who is perfect, and amazing, and everything this old-fashioned lesbian could ever want. I love you, baby. (Also, it was in Better than Chocolate… he’s not a fucking drag queen, yo.)