The Longest Road - Yet Untraveled

In the past, being a vegetarian was incredibly taxing. My junior year of high school, I almost successfully managed to get through the summer on a vegetarian diet. But my iron dropped, I was becoming anemic, I had no energy and I was so weak. So I said “peace, sistah!” to the vegetarian way and cut out all red meat. Seafood and chicken became my new best friends.

That worked fine. I felt better and I wasn’t so hungry all the time. However, I still didn’t like something about meat. Not necessarily the texture, chicken and turkey had a very soft, silky texture if cooked properly. Even certain red meat products had their charm, if it was overwhelmingly spicey and smokey, completely masking the flavor of the meat, I was a fan - that pretty much was just sausage.

I think it was the overall taste of meat. The cruelty towards slaughtered animals was unimaginable and drove me, finally, to the edge of vegetarianism.

A year ago, on the 1st of December, I bid a final farewell to meat and dived headlong into being a vegetarian. I haven’t looked back since.

And sure, a few times I’ve wondered if I should eat meat again. Times, like last summer, when I was so poor that even the last package of beef ramen started looking appetizing. One time I tried a little piece of JT’s chicken tender, only to spit it out and gag. Fil and I have heated discussions about “when I’m pregnant, should I eat meat?” and when we were poor, debated the cheapness of meat versus the cheapness of veggies and meat substitutes.

Somehow, vegetarianism has always won out. My parents gave us black bean burgers in our times of need and in times of debatable wealth we ate quite well. Taking vitamins to supplement the lack of protein and iron helped a lot with the irritability and depression that seems to come with a lack of proper nutrients. And recently we’ve had the luxury of actually going to a vegetarian restaurant. Locally, Mother’s is one of the places to go if you don’t eat meat. (Fil and I have a date planned for Friday, we’re going to Mother’s and I’m having the peasant’s meal - pinto bean chili and brown rice, yummy) I think we’ve managed to go twice in the past 3 weeks. We love it, it’s wonderful, and we end up spending about $32 on dinner (including what we get for JT since he loathes the idea of forcibly having a meal without meat) which is a relief on our wallets.

I just wish we had the fortitude like Jon and Kate (Jon and Kate + 8) to raise our son organic, and even raise our future children organic. But something about the prices of organic food just makes me queasy. But, maybe when our income rises.

Well, anyway, even when we can’t go have something delicious at Mother’s, we are constantly finding new things to have at home. For the 4th, my parents made me a Griller’s Delight burger from MorningStar and it was so … delicious, it had that grill flavor you miss with black bean burgers. They sent me home with the rest of the box! We also discovered the Italian mozzarella burgers, MorningStar sausage patties, veggie cakes, chicken patties (I still can’t find the ones made by quorn, I used to eat those all the time!) chicken nuggets and the best of all? FACON! Yeah, fake bacon. I guess we’re behind the times, but recently it’s become our obsession. And is the entire reason for this post.

Yesterday we made it for dinner, thinking “well the first time it was bad and burnt, but maybe if we don’t burn it it’ll be good.” We were totally right! We ate the rest of the package (about 6 pieces each!) and were craving more. Fil convinced me we were out so I got some at WalMart (she totally overlooked the one in the freezer still) and came home searching for a reason to make some. I was completely starving, because I’d finished running several errands AND a class at school. Not to mention I need some good TLC since I’d just started my period.

Well, there was one of thos Griller’s Delight burgers left over. I thought, I pondered and got it. A facon cheeseburger! I quickly set about, sneaking a few precious slices of facon out of a mauled package and into the pan. I tossed the patty into the oven (set to 450 degrees) and impatiently waited. 20 minutes later, I was chowing down on the most perfect mixture of grilly burger taste and crunchy facon wonder all under a melty cheesy goodness. It turned out THAT many chips, while it sounded like a good idea, was overwhelming and I made JT eat them. They’re jalapeno chips and the flavor gets tiring on the pallet. The water became pink lemonade tea defense and the yogurt was the cherry on top. Something about lemon yogurt just steals my heart away everytime.

Normally I don’t get excited about lunch. I generally just eat a little bowl of cereal or just have a yogurt and some water. But it felt like I was a kid during summer vacation again, anxiously waiting to see what my parents were going to bring home or make for lunch.

Times like these, when I discover something to drool about that is purely vegetarian, I get that relief that going vegetarian is the right choice. I feel healthier, I enjoy eating dinner more, and having special date nights for Mother’s makes my relationship with Fil ever stronger. My only wish is that we had more vegetarian friends, someone we can go with to Mother’s and share in the excitement of vegan apple pie and BBQ tofu.

Well, that’s something we’ll have to work on. In the meantime, have any of you had remarkable food discoveries recently?

According to Fil, I am sad. The sort of sad that, laced with negative vocal tones, means pathetic in every way.

Why is Fil saying this? Calling me outright pathetic? Because of this, because of you guys in the blogworld. Because I spend maybe 10 minutes surfing the trickle of blogs on my blogroll and a little extra time reading those long-long entries. I’m sad because I set aside a fraction of my day to do something I want to do, not have to do.

I’m sad for, apparently, caring about everyone’s journeys and hardships and offering my support. And in turn, feeling the warm glow of support from women just like me.

I don’t think she understands, or knows, exactly how dull it is here.

I am constantly in the apartment, with no escape from the hum-drum of housewifery. Really, the glamour wears off after you’ve vacuumed the floor 10 times, dusted every hard surface, fluffed and freshened every soft surface and even done all the possible laundry in the house.

And JT is a big boy. He does just fine for hours on his own. He can make snacks and get his own drink, he doesn’t panic if I’m gone for longer than I said. He doesn’t ever go outside, so it’s not like I’m forced to be present in case  anything happens to him. He’s all grown up, as far as the summer is concerned, and he doesn’t need me like he needed me last summer, when Texas was new and scary and he barely knew how to use a microwave.

So I’m alone. The apartment seems dark and cavernous when I’m in the living room by myself. There are only so many things one can do around the house, or so many TV shows one can watch before it gets dull. And then I realize how alone I am. How isolated I’ve become from my physical friends, my old friends from high school who I used to be inseparable from. I even rarely speak to my best friend.

My only reprieve is college. 1.5 whole hours out of the apartment. Then I have to high-tail it home to do… what? Oh right, clean.

But no, no no no. I’m pathetic sad for becoming involved in others lives.

Sometimes I wonder if Fil really is the one for me. How can she be, if she understands me so little?

So, we got the AC fixed. Turns out? The ENTIRE building was off of AC. Yuck. After a sticky, miserable night, we’re now quite comfy with AC.

Today, however, was a great day. Fil got her stimulus check and we bought tons of adorable clothes for JT (pictures to come) and some lovely items for ourselves. JT’s clothes came to about $200, we saved almost another $200 due to an amazing sale at JC Penny’s. We also found Fil’s old scent, Adidas Adrenaline and she picked out a cheap scent stick for myself that she went ga-ga over. Two discounted muffin pans and a cooling rack ($7), discounted tooth brush heads, a bunch of DVD storage boxes (our entertainment center is gradually looking AMAZING!) and a couple of video games (Brain Age 2 and something for Fil and myself to play on the Wii).

I’m unbelievably excited about going ahead with our plan. I can’t wait to get the ball rolling with school!

In my head, I’d already put the idea of having a baby “on-hold” last night for many reasons. One of them is that I would like to have reduction surgery performed on my right breast - I have an asymmetrical deformity (ye gods, it’s a deformity you guys) that is largely noticable and could cause problems since I’ve decided to pump breast milk.

Another reason is that I really, desperately want to be in shape before/while/after I’m pregnant. I know that if I don’t get in the shape I want to be in before I’m pregnant, I won’t be able to get there after pregnancy.

There are also a slew of other reasons, a big one is my parents (being that they still provide financial aid and I am their dependent, they might be a bit miffed at the idea of supporting another mouth while I’m in college). Also, I am in college and I am a dependent, and having a child would sever the dependency bond and therefore make college dauntingly expensive.

So I spoke with Fil about this last night. What we really should do with the loan money. We worked it out that we’d look into financing reduction surgery as well as fitness/weight loss options along with car and bill payments.

We talked about how I would approach school so we could have a baby sooner. I’m going to speak with a counselor tomorrow about applying to nursing school at the end of summer term, even though I don’t have the pre-reqs necessary for enrollment in the program. I figure we can work something out since the nursing program is housed at the same place I plan on having counseling. Also, I will double up on courses, taking more than 12 hours and trying to fit in as much of my pre-reqs this coming fall semester. Probably squeezing in Anatomy + Phisology I & II in one semester - not to mention introduction to microbiology, and a math class that I may end up taking online.

It all sounds frenzied. I plan on a 5-6 month weightloss/fitness routine to get in shape for surgery in between the fall and spring semester. If I can’t make the winter break deadline, I’ll have to wait for spring break.

As for the finances I fretted about in an earlier post, that’s still a large issue. But if we still intend to go forward with cryo-sperm, we’ll have a decent nest egg (hey, we squirrelled away over $5,000 in items and initial bill pay for this apartment) to finance enough vials for two babies and two/three years of storage.

I feel that waiting will give us ample time to plan better, to get on pre-natal vitamins three months before we try, to stock up on OPKs, purchase a VIP FertilityFriend.com membership, have sperm waiting for the day a smiley face appears, etc. etc.

If I’m not out of nursing school in 1.5 years, we’ll start trying. But, I plan on getting some sort of job, part-time or whatever, in the medical field over next summer. JT will be old enough to care for himself a few hours during the day and it’ll prepare him for when I work full time as a nurse. It’ll give us the possibility of being free of my parents, finances-wise, and put a little extra padding in the bank for a nest egg.

It feels like I’ve thought it all out. Made appointments with my doctor for consults on surgery, nutrition, etc. I’m even going to visit a plastic surgeon with my mother in two weeks - hopefully this’ll be the guy to cut me open. I’ve even gone through my insurance to see if I can get the surgery covered - as long as a doctor perscribes it as a necessity, they’ll cover a portion of it.

But of course, there’s always something we’ve forgotten. A little aspect that we haven’t thought of. But I’m anxious and happy. I think, no, I know I’ll feel better after we take these steps, and we’ll be in a healthier environment in which to bring a child into the world. All of those wary feelings, that discomfort with the way things were proceeding, how fast they seemed to be going, just disappeared once we had a substantial plan.

Bad news though… our A/C is broken, and y’all, this is Texas. It’s 90 degrees IN our apartment. Ugh.

Just, wow.

So, thanks to LizaWasHere and my insatiable desire to click EVERY link in her posts (just hers, why? no clue), I somehow found myself perusing the fees pages of the Fairfax Cryobank.

Now, I’m no naive lesbian. I know the fees are staggering. But now that we are so darned close to starting, it’s almost nausiating.

1 vial, ICI: $185.00

Various profiles: $45.00

Shipping: $160.00

That’s about $400. Well heck, we can afford that, right?

Well, you know, I’d like to use the same donor for EACH kid, since we want two (maybe three? ack!) more. AND who knows how long it’s going to take for us to get pregnant? Will we get lucky? Or will we be saddly un-lucky. Hmm. Let’s re-arrange those figures…

8+ vials, ICI: $1,480.00

Various profiles: $45.00

Shipping: $1,280.00

That’s more like it, with the scary numbers. $2,805.00

At least it includes free storage (at the Austin branch of  the Fairfax cryobank - at least we’d only have to pay shipping once!) for 2 years.

That leads us to… hey, what if I don’t LIKE the donors at Fairfax? There’s always California to think of.

But, damn! $370.00 for ONE vial? How much is in one vial? Standard 10 mil? That must be some damn good sperm.

So, obviously I’m having qualms with assisted reproduction via sperm banks. It’s so alarmingly expensive and such a huge, overwhelming process that, inevitably, would end up like this: us, no baby, no money. I am terrified of that aspect.

And, the no money thing is really no sweat, if we use a KD. By god, IF! But there are so many snags and snares along the way with KDs - like, WonderSperm suddenly getting HIV a few short strides shy of Try #1 almost a year ago in August. Ye-gads. Then there was possible KD #2, who will forever be labled McDirty since his girlfriend turned the whole situation into something awkwardly undesirable. Perhaps if he ever dislodges himself from his nasty girlfriend, we could use him. (If you do feel the need to wander over to those linked posts, I’d love to update you on the fact that I’m all for mixed-race, any race. We just want a happy, healthy baby. I’ve done some serious soul searching and realize that Fil is not the kind of person to turn her back on a child because it doesn’t look like her. I actually have Chicory’s wonderful blog to thank for that.)

I’m currently so utterly at a loss. We’re trying to take out a loan to help with expenses (our car needs four new tires and two new rims, along with other things) and any left overs could go to help with our TTC process. But, that’s just remnants, not thousands. (I would love to magically find an at-home, online job-type thing to help supplement income, but blue moon!) How do we go about finding a KD? We plain don’t have friends. We don’t know any men except for the ones that work with Fil… and that’s just a no-go zone. My guy friends from high school are just that, from high school. They’ve spread out through the continental U.S. and I barely talk to them. HK, a possibility, may be out of the runnings for a potential… potency problem.

That brings us back at square one. No KD possibilities. Cryobank an almost an impossibility. No pennies for a Cryobank bank.

What do I do?

There is bounding excitement floating around in the blogworld, because beloved Vee & Jay are finally pregnant. Gosh, doesn’t that just give you… I don’t know, hope? Hee! Congrats, girls!

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Ladies and gentlemen, we are now starting down the wobbly path of TTC. Yep, you heard it. A year of pining, mental preperation, fiscal preperation and, oh yeah, obtaining our OWN place, Fil and I are ready to start trying.

While we’re searching for a donor (we really want to have a known donor, but if we have to, we’ll turn to a sperm bank) we want to get some of the things that still stand in our way taken care of, like getting JT better insurance, figuring out how to cook tofu and getting our apartment better organized.

I’m so incredibly excited that Fil is getting this serious about it.

However, I am feeling pretty run down. Since Fil has gotten better, I’ve gotten very sick. I’ve been on antibiotics and all that jazz, but my throat is still raw and my eyes itch now. Ugh. Let’s hope I start feeling better!

Fresh from the hospital, I am frankly, exhausted.

At 6 I finally dragged Fil out of bed and to St. David’s. My parents were so wonderful enough to take JT for an unknown amount of time so he didn’t have to suffer through the ER waiting room and then have to watch dad get poked and hurt.

We got settled into a room quickly, the ER was empty (rare). They quickly started her on fluids (she was severely dehydrated… I was totally right) and gave her a darvocet for the pain. They also pumped her with a steroid to help the antibiotics work faster. So we flailed around in the ER for oh, 2 hours? 2.5 hours maximum while they got about 2000 mL of fluid into her and then gave her a soda to make sure the darvocet wasn’t making her sick.

The whole time, Fil alternated between being very whiny and needy, to being very needy/clingy and talking about us having a baby.

When we finally got out, got our son, got food and got her medicine we called it a DAY. We showered, watched T.V.  and I got all of Fil’s medicine in… including: pink eye drops, ear ache drops, ear antibiotic drops, amoxiclavin, NyQuil, vicodin (for the pain, from the hospital), ibuprofen (fever), vitamin, Flexeril and Flonase. Needless to say, Fil was NOT having a good evening. But cuddles and kisses made it all better.

Now, thanks to the glory that is NyQuil and vicodin, Fil is snoring away in the bedroom. Now I must absent myself and get ready, for I have a test in Medical Terminology in an hour.

And so it has descended. Upon the hill of what should have been a pain-free weekend, Fil has fallen with a case of the yucks. I mean a BAD case of the yucks.

She has a double ear infection, an ear canal infection, a sinus infection, strep (most likely) and slight bronchitis. Her throat is so swollen she can’t speak or swallow anything too rough. The strep has spread to her tongue and that’s swollen, as well. Her hear is so infected and inflammed that her canal is tight and throbbing. Her other ear is okay, it’s just the left one that’s tender to the touch.

This illness has left me baffled with her irresponsibility. She informed me she’d had a fever for a week, and was taking ibuprofen to stop it. For a week she could have been on antibiotics and stoppe the infection before it progressed into her canal, lungs and tongue. But I had to get over my anger so fast, because she has so many medications that I have to maintain. I have to administer her drops and her sprays and her pills and make sure she’s swilling the lidocane solution. I have to be the only adult for a while.

And, I think, it’s making Fil want a baby. For some… strange reason, she’s been talking (well, signing) about us getting pregnant, blahblahblah. I have no clue what it means, but she seems sincere about wanting to start. *shrug* I guess I’ll just stay on track, getting her healthy so we can go back to normal life?

So, I’ve waited for this Saturday because I told myself I’d do game day, as hosted by Calli every Saturday.

SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog. Saturday is game day!

Use the first letter of your Mother’s name (first or middle) to answer each of the following.

1. What is your Mother’s name? Cheri (first)

2. Something you would find in the freezer section? Corn

3. A beverage enjoyed in the summer? Cerveza

4. A word to describe your butt? Caboose

5. Something you would find in your garden? Cauliflower

6. Something a cat would drag in? Crow

7. A favorite book title? Chronicles of Narnia, The (ahahaha)

8. A fancy entree at your favorite restaurant? Coq au vin

9. Something that is on your amazon wish list? CSI Season 1 (not really, I don’t have an Amazon wishlist)

10. Something you have hidden under your bed? Clothes

monsters. JT has JM over, again, and they’re wrestling it up in his bedroom. Whatever, get him good and exhausted so he can sleep tonight.

A series of wonderful events happened today. I found out the new mouse has a USB adaptor hidden under the detatchable PC adaptor. So we don’t have to return it! I was able to finish TWO Data Management homework assignments, one being a major mid-term exam…  ONTIME. In my DM book I found my missing (for weeks!) driver’s license. I must now toddle down to the DPS (when will I get the time?) and get a new one with the new address on it.

Bad news, however, tinges the horizon. I have some terrifying period-esque burning in my lower-region. Low inside my pelvis it feels as if my ovaries are throbbing with hot fire. The pain is searing through my back, into my kidneys and from the wee bit of L5 (radiating out to my hips) down to my sacrum. Yugh. I’m honestly not sure if it’s inflammation in my hip joints screwing with my alignment, and therefore the pain is actually going in reverse (from my sacrum, up to my kidneys, through to my ovaries and uterus). If it’s the reverse pattern, it’s even more rude, because I kind of HAD to sit here and do my homework. Woe.

That’s probably the worst part of knowing anatomy right up there. I know exactly what hurts, and as I feel pain burning through my various viscera, I get a little pissed because I knooooww what it is!!

And now, just talking about all this burning in my nethers… has given me heartburn. I guess you can’t have the good without getting the bad.