The last few weeks I’ve been afraid to mention something that’s been apparent in my relationship with Fil. She’s slowly been building this wall between us, pulling away very slowly. But, since I had the car accident, she’s jerked away completely, burrowed in her own head and turned her back to me. She completely lost her sex drive, spent less time with me and at night she’d just roll over and fall asleep.
I was so afraid it was me. That she was finding other people at work to be attracted to. That she just stopped loving me. I was so ready to turn away from her, because I wasn’t feeling any love, I was feeling less like her wife and more like her live-in nanny/maid.
But today, on Turkey Day of all things, it came out.
Since it’s November, and Michael’s projected due date was something like November 28 – December 1st, she’s feeling it pretty heavily now. Our own individual guilt on this subject is overwhelming. Her guilt is that she got me pregnant and she didn’t do it quite right, that maybe if she’d been more careful with me, we wouldn’t have lost him. My guilt is that I didn’t listen to my initial body signs and figure something was up.
But the fact is that Fil is all torn up because we miscarried Michael, and instead of preparing to have our son, we’re preparing turkey. I think that, since this has been so tough for Fil, passing by his due date, we’ll start TTC pretty soon. Her insurance kicked in this paycheck and we should get her papers in the mail soon.
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