To those who commented on the last post. It was incredibly helpful.
To those who asked about the girlfriend, no, he didn’t consult her when he offered Fil his services. I think, mostly, because he didn’t even think about it before the moment when they were having a conversation concerning the topic. According to Fil, he doesn’t even want to tell his girlfriend. This is one of our conditions, concerning his possible donorship. If he does donate, his girlfriend needs to be completely on board, and willing to not meddle in our future childrens lives.
In response to vee, I completely agree with the UK’s standpoint on raising a mixed race child. “They strongly feel that mixed race children need some kind of connection to their race roots and culture, from at least one parent.” I really look up to those who take on this viewpoint and smush it into the ground, like Chicory and Klove. But I don’t know if I could do that. I feel, kinda like Bette from the L Word, that if we had a mixed race child, specifically black/white, I would want someone there to identify with them. I know that the donor could play a big part in helping them understand their roots, etc. but at the same time, I look at my family and wonder how a mixed race child would be accepted. I know that Mama C is racist to the bone, but who knows about the rest of my family? I don’t doubt for a second that Mama C’s bloodline is as mongrel as a sheep-pointer-blood-spaniel but at the same time… they deny it to the core. (Look at those Cherokee cheekbones, come ON!)
Do I really want to bring a child into the world who would have to be sheltered from 1/4 of their bloodline? And then, what if it’s a girl. That generational thing is incredibly important, and if Mama C lives to see the birth of my daughter, I would like to line up us women and get a picture of us. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s always been a big part of who I am. History is so… important.
But who knows if Mama C will live to see me pregnant enough to show. I don’t know. Should I consider this? Is that REALLY important, or should I be more concerned with just HAVING the child.
And then there’s the problem with… me. Maybe I just don’t WANT to use him as a donor. Everything is shouting for me to get pregnant, I’m dreaming of booties and bibs. As we approach Michael’s projected due date, the need to fill the void he created grows and grows.
I don’t want to jump on this offer like it’s free cheese. I don’t want to get myself into a knot that I cannot untangle because there is a child involved.
As Nk says “YOU get to have a say in this too. Don’t let her win all the time.”
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