Archive for April, 2008

Some things

We’re doing it, we’re moving!

Well, I’ve already kind of said that, but it’s way official! Not only were we approved, we put down our $200 deposit and we’re packing our things. We’ll be moving May 15th – 16th so I will be MIA with a very good reason!

I’ll also be MIA for a few days this week because my computer is being rather bad and needs to go see the computer doctors at Circuit City (where it was bought and can receive a free fixin’), so I’m not sure how long I’ll be out for.

This whole moving thing brings a whole new side of life to the surface. I’m very used to only two life styles, so far. Living with just my parents and living with my roommates. I’m so excited about moving into this new place and finally getting to have a life with just my wife and son. I think we’ve earned it.

But our roommates have different ideas. Beavis is scared of what it’ll be like without us. She’s afraid she’ll be all alone and stuck with responsibilities she so readily pawned off on myself and Fil. She also realises that without myself and Fil, there’s no escape from her husband. Her husband, however, is ecstatic at the amount of freedom that comes with us moving out, including the extra perk of getting his wife’s undivided attention (once again).

JT is just happy that he finally gets his own room, his own bathroom and most of all, peace and quite away from Buddha, who is just becoming more of a nuisance.

So, that’s all for now, let’s hope that my computer gets fixed all good and proper tomorrow!

A Pattern Emerges, perhaps?

So, I have noticed a pattern wriggling its way to the surface on the small corner of the blogosphere that I (tenderfooted and very busy) tread. Some sort of Reader’s Appreciation.

Well, I don’t think I qualify for that. I don’t have many readers, more like bypass-ers on their way to bigger, better blogs. But, for those of you who lurk, who have offered your support, your words, your gentle encouragements along this journey I’ve yet to start, I thank you.

Thank you to…

Sarah, vee & jay, Calli, Cibele, ninefirefly, Sandra, Idetrorce, kittenroar5, Chicory, ohchicken, Linda H, Bob, sheslostcontrol, Tiffany and any lurkers!

The Longest Road

This particular summer is hot, in Texas at least. In Pisa, a cool breeze gets sucked into this little place of miracles and ripples throughout like water. After riding gondolas in Venice and posing with David in Florence, the rest of my tour group stands eagerly in front of the Leaning Tower, pretending to prop up the drifting structure. The sky is so clear, a blue you see back home breaking the horizon as you travel west on 183. Around us children play on the grass, a vendor shouts about fresh coconut as a rill of cool water spills over slivers of shell, people haggle with merchants and buy hot dogs, and I stand idly by waiting to move.

After visiting the bapistry, we pour into the sunlight once again. The heat restored to our bodies after the chill of the dome once used for blessings. The new direction is clear as our tour guide steers us towards the cathedral, where girls are given shrouds to cover their bare shoulders and knees. I find myself wheeling mechanically towards the back of the cathedral, towards a sight familiar after the two or three churches we’d been in since our arrival to Europe.

A little platform is raised before religious icons and large electric candles are sold for donations. I discard another euro into the donation box and take a candle into my hand. Like every visit before this one, I clutch the little offering in my fist and shut my eyes, not to pray or ask God for anything, but simply to remember.

Michael, at that point, would have been fluttering against the underside of my ribcage, barely noticeable to me, but still pushing the boundaries and confines of my skin and – annoyingly – my pant size. Instead, the barren feeling had crept over my skin, the last feelings of him lost into the bathroom of Motel 6 where I delivered my son, prematurely, into my hands. That day, marked like a black smudge on the calendar, amidst so many more and previous perfect days. The longest road, an unexpected fork taken back to the start.

While I dare to mourn, all these dark memories threaten to creep into that candle of hope. But instead I think on him, on how he would have been, on the what-if’s of that maybe-little-being. And, wondering on first words and favorite foods, on hair color and “would he be like me?” I find a little hope inside me to light that candle.

When all is said and done, my candle adding to the warm glow of 25 watts, I make my way around the interior of the cathedral and outside again. Stumbling into the enveloping blue of the piazza, the raucous joy of life shakes me out of that melancholy daze. In rejoining life, I play around in the warm grass with an excited Italian puppy and buy souvenirs for my family, a slice of coconut for myself.

I return home, not changed, not altered in any momentous way, but it is a slow start towards healing. Here I am almost a full year later, and instead of falling upon the crutches of old, stale wounds, I try to continue that warm bath of healing. We are just trying to heal. In that motion of life, the rocking of our boat on the currents of fate, we find it in us to start on that journey again. The longest road, yet untraveled, and out feet just barely at the start.

Still Hope

And yet, despite all obstacles, and despite all things in this world which we are all confronted with in adversity, there is STILL hope – and boy, is that hope wonderful.

In other, slightly less fantastic news, I am cleansing today. Yesterday, I spent the majority of my free time organizing JT’s Imaginext sets to be photographed and then loaded onto Craigslist and, though I’m not done, I feel as if a huge burden is being excised from my chest in a very choppy, painful way. So today, I feel as if I should take a huge step back from this ridiculous life and reflect, and ultimately, cleanse.

The loss I feel over having a miscarriage is not gone, per say, but has been layered with a serious dose of thankfulness for what I already have. I think, on the most part, I’m as healed as I will get in that area. However, the guilt of the whole scenario, the oppressiveness of feeling inept at the ONE thing I should be inherently good at, has not gone away. So today, I shall work on that.

Also, in a sort of healing way, I am writing a story about the whole loss and the even more enthralling baby bonanza  (catchy, huh? ). I think it’ll be an interesting way to make everything way more tangible. Though we may be getting close to a time when we may actually start trying, it still feels SO far off and so unattainable.

But perhaps I’ll have one of these deliciously fudge-y brownies I made.

(Maybe the process of creating this Craigslist listing will become Zen-like and I’ll enter a meditative state of higher consciousness. Or maybe I’ll just get a headache.)

We’re Moving!!

I know these posts are commonly found when the poster is moving blogs, but no, I’m really moving! Fil, JT and I are picking up our roots and moving on. We’ve found a decent apartment in a really amazing community – albeit not the BEST neighborhood in Austin – for the remarkably low price of $680 a month (2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms).

As you know we’ve struggled for months with our roommates. They have always had more control, more space, more in general than we have had. Their daughter has completely taken over every single space in the house that JT could possibly occupy and they continue to take advantage of Fil and I in every aspect (cleaning the house, etc.)

We are all incredibly excited to be moving out of this space. However, it’s been thrown into sharp relief how little we have as a couple. Last week, I sold my American Girl doll and we bought a couch, a desk chair and a shoe rack. Total, however, we only have bedroom and living room things. We have nothing for the kitchen and nothing for the second bathroom.

I can’t wait to move. Moving means we get to start trying, means we will finally get to work on us as a couple. However, right now, the best thing is that when we move, JT will no longer have to listen to us have sex through the walls. Hurrah!


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