Sad

To start, here is our 2 year plan because I’m waaay too lazy to backtrack. Italicised items are school items, which tandem our 2 year plan.

• Summer ‘08: Begin workout regiment. Discuss weight loss with PCP, now known as WonderLee or WL. Discuss plastic surgery with WL and begin researching local plastic surgeons. (Side note: get annoying, could become cancerous moles removed.) Complete BA and get into anatomy.
• August – December ‘08: Continue workout regiment, accompanied by supplements for weight loss. Goal is to obtain a healthy pre-op weight (note: NOT desired weight) and general mental well being related to physical appearance. Complete total course load. Anatomy,  Human G&D, Maths.
• Winter Break ‘08-’09: Have breast reduction surgery (right breast hypertrophy). Take the whole break off from anything like school. Start a savings account AND get a cell phone plan for family.
• January – May ‘09: Post recovery, return to normal workout regiment and continue weight loss to desired weight. Finish all pre-requisites for nursing school and file the application. Discuss with counselors about an accelerated degree course.
• Summer ‘09: Start looking for houses in desired Austin area (south-west Austin, Barton Springs area or Duval area), squirreling away money for substantial down payment (think, $10,000+ which according to a real estate broker is a great down payment) and if needed, finding a donor (if UD is needed, split savings into frozen sperm fund). If possible, start accelerated degree course, finish 1 semester of nursing.
• August – December ‘09: Keep saving for a house/sperm/baby. Keep on the accelerated course, DON NOT DROP THE BALL!
• January ‘10 – May ‘10: Start temping, wonder if VIP FF account is worth the money. Maybe do a few OPKs for confirmed ovulation. Re: Last bullet.
• Summer ‘10: If nursing degree is obtained, start finding a job and start waiting for the insurance plan to kick in. If no degree, re: last bullet.
• August – December ‘10: Should finish nursing school at the latest. Job finding during winter break. Most like, TTC begins here. (2 years after the plan was written!) At least, serious ovulation tracking and a definite internal check-up (due to last years PID/miscarriage, there could be unknown fallopian damage, or whatever) Adopt JT and look into common law/name changes.

The rest you really can’t bullet point. Our whole plan relies heavily on the completion of my degree. I will be nearing 22 and I would definitely LIKE to be pregnant before we cross that line (I’m thinking in terms of Fil’s age, really). But mostly I want to be out of school and into the field. Finishing college, means to me, more financial stability and emancipation from my parents. I am most excited about the emancipation thing. Being under my parents wing is comforting at times when we don’t have anywhere or anyone else to run to, but it’s taxing. Constantly being aware that our future plans (a house, more children) do not line up with their life plan for yours truly makes me nauseous. At any moment JT could spill the beans that in one or two years he’s going to be a big brother, and then we’ll have to deal with a whole can of worms. If I’m in the profession, and we either are on our way to owning a home or already own one, there is NOTHING my parents even have the option of being disappointed in.

Wasn’t it my first post where I, in a long-winded way, said I’d much rather have our child RIGHTNOW than wait until we were, uh, ready? Didn’t Fil agree? I think the Att of a year ago was way more immature about having a child than the Att of now. Not saying that I wasn’t ready back then, because I was. We would have perservered and made it through a pregnancy with no qualms. Fil would have worked two jobs, I would have chosen a quicker degree (like, medical coding which is a year) and we would have been okay, as we are okay now.

However, I think taking the drastic steps we were planning (sometimes I’m glad we lost the option of WonderSeed, it’s awful what happened to him, but it threw a definite monkeywrench into the plan and made us wait) would have ruined us. Financially we would have never been as stable as we are now. We would have lost the trust of my parents (and probably permanently lost them in our lives, our children would literally have no grandparents) and possibly ended up a wrecked couple squabbling over pennies that went out with the trash.

You can say, for our children’s sake, we make this long winded plan towards financial stability. The stability Fil has always craved (a home, the same partner until death, children and the option to retire in the future) will come to us. JT will probably spend a good amount of his teen years envying his younger siblings for the simple stability and continuity in their lives that his youth has lacked. Perhaps the majority of his issues are sprung from the fact that everything changes in his life after 2 or 3 years – new house, new school, new state, new parent. But, I do believe that if he gets the stability he needs (we’re almost there, at least he’s had two parents for a year and we’ve promised NEVER to move out of Texas) he will be a better boy for it.

Our plan seems logical to me, comfortable in every way. I’m at peace with waiting to have a baby. While I sometimes look out at the sheer number of pregnant women around me (seriously, every where we go it’s preggo-extravaganza) and wish I was one of their numbers, I know soon I will be. I know the reward of waiting will be an amazing life for them.

However, it seems Fil is increasingly uncomfortable with the plan. Most days she’s either sad or down-trodden at the idea of waiting. Sometimes I know she doesn’t just want to TALK about it, she wants to do it. It may just be because we have a donor now and it could just happen so easily. She probably keeps the majority of her qualms silent because I really want to wait until I’m at least happy with myself (i.e. post-op me) before donating my body to baby. She knows if we don’t wait, I may end up hating myself a lot more than I did when we met. I only wish there was some way for me to ease her sadness over waiting.

On that note, I must end this loong post. I commend anyone who got this far. Now I have to make that first bit up there (about WL) come true and make appointments with her. Also, laundry has to be folded. Yay…