Never in the Clear

I am so damn exhausted I can’t see straight. Yet sleep won’t come. Probably because I need to get this thing off of my chest.

Last night at almost midnight Fil’s jaw dislocated. I rushed her to the ER (since I couldn’t get it to go in) where we waited around for 6 hours. In that time they reset her jaw, twice, pumped her full of Valium and morphine and sent us home with prescriptions and referrals.

We got home by 6:30 and I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours and hadn’t eaten since dinner. We crawled into bed for 2 hours and woke up at 8 to call the oral surgeon… who refused to even see Fil since she’s on medicaid. Several phone calls later we learned that no oral surgeon in our area accepts medicaid for ages 21+. The ER informed us we’d have to return if her jaw dislocated again… which it did. At least 15 times between 8 and 1 p.m. when we got to the ER for our second visit.

Fil hadn’t eaten anything, and neither had I. We were both red eyed and ready to call it quits but we kept pushing.

This time her doctor was much, much nicer. He reset her jaw, but unlike the last doctor, he let  the sedation take effect before jerking around her jaw. I was able to stay in the room during the procedure and her nurse was wonderful, she checked in on her often, contacted a social worker to see how Fil could possibly get surgery without having to pay thousands, and kept very vigilant on pushing as much pain meds as she needed.

This time around Fil felt very confident that it was in and much more relaxed. The nurse bandaged her head so as to keep her jaw closed. They sent us home with lots of medicine and well wishes.

We went to the pharmacy and filled her scripts. The poor thing can really only eat super mushy things and have things through a straw so I got her some french fries and a milkshake.

We kept Monster home for the day since he was coughing so badly and we wanted him to have access to his inhaler, so my dad was awesome enough to pick him up at noon and take him ’til 6 when we got out of the ER. They fed him both times and kept him very well occupied. When I think we’re just about to snap from the unfairness that life tosses us, I remember that at least we have a great support network to bounce back on. I don’t know what we would have done if there was no one to watch him today.

I am so, so angry at her first doctor/nurse. Her doctor was in a rush to get home and her nurse just seemed uncaring and flippant. She was very rough with Fil’s IV and now Fil has a huge bruise because of this nurse’s incompetence. They forced me out of the procedure room and into the family waiting room where I could hear them hurting her and then had the nerve to leave me sitting there for 15 minutes while Fil was taken away for x-rays and relocated. I only found out where Fil was because her nurse bumped into me as she was making her rounds. I was already furious when they made me wait in an empty room for another 10-15 minutes. If it weren’t for the shift change I would have strangled someone. Her new nurse at 3 was just beyond wonderful. She got me cranberry juice (that has NEVER happened) and kept checking in on me until Fil finally showed up. Poor baby was so sore and tired. We just wanted to go home, but her jaw dislocated, again and they had to hold her until 5:30 for observation. Ugh.

But the second time around we were only in there for 4 hours, they let me watch the procedure and comfort Fil while they were jerking her jaw around. I didn’t have to sit idly by to listen to her screaming. Much more preferable. I was so skeptical about the doctors and nurses, I had lost all faith, but I had to be brave and strong because Fil was in so much pain she was sobbing in front of strangers (which is so rare) and begging for someone to help her. Thank god these people didn’t live up to my very pessimistic expectations.

We cried a lot, Fil hurt and I was scared out of my head. We held each other and watched a little TV and she drank apple juice and somehow she was healed… if not very sore.

I know this post was incredibly disjointed, but I’ve only had 5 hours of sleep in the past 44 hours. But I do feel much better now that it’s off my chest and out there. Now I can cuddle up to Fil and sleep. Ah, sleep.

Poor Post

Warning, this post contains talk of mucus and such.

I’ll be the first to admit, that last post was pathetic. But I was rushing and didn’t have much to say.

So, JT (who will now be known as Monster, since everyone else has a cute nickname except for him) has always had asthma. When he was very little, and living in Michigan, his asthma was awful. He could barely breathe and was attached to his inhaler. Upon moving to Austin his asthma gradually relaxed and eventually his need for an inhaler was almost nonexistant. However, he still has terrible allergies, Texas isn’t very friendly when it comes to cedar and pollen. He hasn’t built up the immunity yet and it takes a big toll when the seasons change. Especially the change to Spring as everything starts to bloom. Along with his allergies he has always had a little asthma cough. Nothing severe, but enough to merit constant cough drops and sore throat spray. He’s gotten very good with spitting up mucus (due to allergies) instead of swallowing it and he even takes Muci*nex like a pro.

Recently his little cough has gotten much, much stronger. He’s now hacking up mucus every 30-60 seconds, partially thanks to the Muci*nex, but it’s also incredibly worrisom. Monster simply cannot stop coughing, it’s cutting into his sleep, he could barely focus on putting his science project together as he had to dash off and cough up some nasty stuff.

Yes, I checked and his mucus was majorly clear. I saw a little brownish/red stuff in a tissue but upon further inspection, I’m pretty sure it was a booger. Yum. We both know he’s not sick, as he has yet to spike a fever and has kept a LOT of food down, including chicken fingers,  Girl Scout Cookies, grilled cheese, soup, more Girl Scout Cookies, leftover sub sandwich and apple sauce. I’m pretty sure that’s some kind of a record for him in under 7 hours.

But, I do feel bad for the boy. I know my lungs are raw and sore from coughing all week, his must burn and ache with every new round of coughing. I’m at an impass. I know we should take him to his doctor, and that they’ll probably give him an emergancy inhaler for when the coughing becomes brutal. But what if he has an infection that we just… missed? I would feel horrible if I missed the minute signs, if his mucus isn’t as clear as it appears to be, or if there’s just something way worse hiding in his lungs.

Let’s just hope he’s okay and he only needs an emergancy inhaler.

Random Bullets

• Fil and I are both out sick. Stabbing, blinding headaches that are not soothed by medicine. Sore throats, coughs, nauseau (vomitting on Fil’s behalf) etc. etc. It’s not been fun, and I took off class today in order to go to my doctor.
• At said doctor’s appointment, I got poked – testing my thyroid – and prescribed medication for IBS. Yaay. No really, I’m stoked about this because I’ve had gastrointestial issues for a year and I’m finally feeling some relief.
• She also gave me 5 anti-inflammatory refills so my hips will continue to sing with joy … and my period will stay mild.
• It’s actually freezing here, and we have our old table sitting on the porch. It should be fine, right?
• We joined a meetup group a while ago and it’s finally picking up pace. I’m even going to be co-organizing the group. We’re both so excited about meeting other gay families!

Bingo

Total obsessive organisation tackled for today.

I do mean total obsessive.

And yet I find zero satisfaction in that.

I’m convinced that stress/anxiety mixed with obvious OCD is no longer a good combination.

I feel lifeless almost, helplessly attacked by stress (worrying over things that have yet to happen) and suffocated by my need to organise.

I’m pretty positive I need to see my doctor.

Breathless

I was not honored to watch the inauguration live. While a gaggle of students skipped class and gathered in the foyer of Building A, I was a dutiful student and endured an hour of introduction to introduction to microbiology.

Needless to say once the home had quieted down (after a huge blow out over dinner, and another huge blow out involving the carelessness of the boy) I quickly surfed to a well known news site and proceeded to watch the swearing in (which gave me goosebumps to see Obama’s hand held in the manner in which only white men before him had the pleasure, not to mention Michelle Obama whose face could not stretch any more to accommodate the pure love and joy pouring out of her eyes) and his speech.

I won’t go on at length and deconstruct his speech. But I will say it was beautiful, and I will say that he brought tears to my eyes and raised flesh to my forearms. He left me gasping for air and hoping for new and brighter days with every promise that flowed from his mouth.If what he said was true, if all people are equal, then tomorrow is not just the dawn of a new president, it is the dawn of a new era.

I am a hardcore Obama supporter and will tell my grandchildren of the monumental days that I helped usher into existence.

That being said, I will not allow my hopes to bubble up and over like a shaken soda. Perhaps not today…. today I will allow the deliciousness of hope to coat the back of my throat and heal the wounds 8 years deep and long. The healing balm of change and progression will not be lost on this pessimist. Instead, I will gently pack it away, to be pulled out, examined and lathered on in gobs when the day all of us homosexual, bisexual, transgendered and otherwise queer-labeled members of society are raised up along with the other voiceless masses to the status of equal.

For a moment, let yourself step back and hope, savour equality. If not for yourself, for your gay uncle or the sweet ftm who lives in 2B. Savour it  for them.

If you’re wondering about school, I’ll place it behind the jump.

Another Semester

Tomorrow is my first day back since early December. I’ve had over a month off and suffice to say I much prefer being in the workforce and taking care of my family than dulling it out at school. I simply have to remind myself that eventually I’ll get that illusive degree and be back in the salt mines.

But MOST EXCITINGLY! Fil is looking into taking a 9 (???) month course in medical billing. She’s finally come to terms with not being able to do physical work any more and wants to find a job she can do from home while undergoing multiple surgeries. I’m so excited I could pee.

$1,700 Later

Our home is quite stocked.

I generally feel more at ease when things to smoothly and as planned. Especially when money is involved.

A lot of things went right this week.

We got our loan on Tuesday. It was almost $3,000 which was of a huge relief. We were so low on almost all household needs it was scary. That day we huffed it to Tar*get and spent almost $500 on household supplies. We are stocked for at least another 3 months in about65% of cleaning and other supplies. That was such a relief… even if it was a pain to drag everything up 3 flights of stairs. We also managed to choke up the change for Mc*Afee Total Protection so our computers would stop becoming riddled with viruses.

On the same day we treated ourselves to dinner out. We had to wait for a whole damn hour to sit, but it was almost worth it. Even if JT was all kinds of cranky and sleepy, the food was still great and I finally indulged in queso. Mmm!

Wednesday was a surprise. Fil and I were planning to spend a little money on ourselves and get another tattoo – NOT matching this time! – so we printed out some ideas and took them to our tattoo shop. There was an open slot at that moment – like 4 p.m. – so the artist took Fil’s ideas, made a quick sketch and then whisked my idea away and before I knew it I was getting inked. I don’t have a picture of it yet, but it’s a Celtic motherhood knot (look it up): two interlaced hearts in red (black outlining) with a really deep rich purple for the dark shaded regions. In one of the lobes of the heart there’s a bright purple guitar pick shaped dot that represents JT, amethyst is the Piseces birthstone, and since he is *such* a Pisces… well, it works. I will keep adding dots with the more children I have.

Thursday, which was my day off, found us sleeping in way too late to have a date. Boo. But we got up and got into gear. Our plan was to get clothes (to replace my threadbare shirts, add to my work clothes and to Fil’s jeans) and maybe indulge in a PS3.

Well, we got the clothes thing. In exchange for a PS3 we got a … new table! As we walked into Sears to get Fil’s jeans we saw a gorgeous 5 pc. set. It was the same height of our last table but looked a whole lot smaller. It has a tabacco finish on the table top and seats of the chairs, while the rest is in a rich espresso. It took FOREVER to build and we had to take it out of the box in order to take it home (remember? the IK*EA incident?) but it was SO worth it! It was $379 list price, which we gulped down and decided to go for it anyway. When the woman ringed it up, it was ON SALE, $279. When I looked at the total ($303) I almost choked. I was over the moon in LOVE with that table and was so happy it was a hundred bucks less!

We also got our replacement printer from Kodak. This one, so far, works! Hooray!

On the same day, JT finally got to spend his hard saved Christmas money on his dream: an XBOX in his room. He put himself in a little debt, but it’s totally fine since he won’t care about allowance as long as he’s playing Halo. And yes, I realise Halo is violent, but JT has proven that he can seperate game violence from real life behaviour. He’s a good boy.

All that being said, we’re only out a little over half our money. I was shocked when I checked the bank to see that we still have about $1,000 in there. The rest, including my first check, will go towards the bills we have to pay, groceries and if there’s any left, fun.

For now it seems we’ve stumbled on a lucky patch, and I’d really like to keep the good mojo flowing. So I’ll knock on wood and cross my fingers!

More Questions and Plans

(There are some hot topic questions if you scroll down. You can skip my blabbery, even!)

Almost 6 months ago I posted my 2 year plan, with hopes of surgeries and other delightful things.

Since I’m such a planner … (I mean, my all day date with Fil is planned to the T but a part of said plan is to make it seem spontaneous!) I’ve decided to create another page just for said 2 year plan. It’s gone through changes, and I plan on putting up the drafts as they roll through my head and out of my fingers. Watch my plan grow and get accomplished on the page titled “The Evolution of a Plan”

Onto the questions. In the post Years I detailed a few pressing questions I had, simply out of curiosity from reading other blogs. My questions then honed in on natural birthing and parenting.

Since then, I’ve developed my own ideas about how I want my birthing experience to go.

But here are my new questions. I know a lot of them pertain to information most people wouldn’t cough up at gun point, so I don’t expect a lot of answers. That’s just what’s floating around in my head, bouncing off the walls and preventing me from doing my work (well not really it’s a sloooow day). If you’ve been lurking and you have an answer to something, please feel free to share it, I won’t bite!

• If I’m under the right assumption, doulas are not covered by any insurance. If that is so, then how much are doula fees? Are post-partum doulas more expensive than birthing doulas? Do you recommend a doula through the whole experience or would using just a post partum doula be okay?
•  As I STILL haven’t gotten an GYN appointment, do you recommend I find a great OB/GYN who will effortlessly transition into my OB or do you recommend seperating the two practices? (I do imagine that could get expensive, but I think insurance covers both, either together or seperate.)
• Since I have had a miscarriage, and PID associated with it, I think I need to have my internal bits looked at before we barrel ahead with TTC. How soon should I have that looked at? Whenever?
• How do you get into a routine of temping? I’m anxiously waiting my period this month so I can finally start temping. I tried it before August of 2007, hoping we would be using WonderSperm. I failed MISERABLY! What little tricks did you use to remind yourself to temp?
• Let’s talk fertility drugs. I’ve noticed that some people try once and then jump straight into using FDs. If you had to make the choice to use fertility drugs, how many tries before you started using them? What prompted the switch?
• How did you find your KD? I know I’ve pressed this question several times on this journal. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I desperately want a KD and not CryoSperm. We will still use a cryobank if it is necessary, but we want to exhaust all KD options first.
• How organised is too organised? In my life there can never be too much organisation, but I know that in the heat of TTC, most planned events go haywire and you have to improvise. Am I going down the right path, though? Formulating strong, solid ideas about what I want for my journey and yet still being willing to bend and flex.

Most importantly…

How do you over come the gnawing fear that everything will fall apart?

I really appreciate any help or guidance you can give me on this. I know my TTC days are still a good stride in the future, but one of my core beliefs is that it’s never too early to at least get an idea, if not a plan. I like knowing what I’m up against and TTC is one of the bigger beasts I will have to fight. I want so much for this experience to be a good one for Fil and myself. We’ve just gotten to normal, I think, and I’d like to keep it that way… if only in our eyes.

Holding on to Maybe

I do realise that this post is going to be a long one. For those of you who hate reading long posts, I’ve kindly placed it behind the jump, so you can simply skip over this journal. For those of you who do read my post, I appreciate it.

19hr10min

I guess getting up incredibly early to get to work pays off, as I racked up the most hours in the month I’ve worked here.

Next week I’m pushing for 20.

So far my student loan hasn’t proccessed through and I’m hinging my bets that we won’t actually get it until Saturday or next Tuesday. Not that we’re hurting sooo bad we can’t wait a few more days, it’s just that Fil and I were hoping for a date tomorrow. Looks like we’ll be staying at home helping JT hammer out his science fair project.

(We’re getting a jump on this so we’re not up ’til 10 cutting out letters and helping a very slow typer write papers and make graphs.)

Maybe we’ll get it late Saturday and can have our date on Monday … before Fil’s chemo treatment…