Unnecessary

A habit of mine, picked up in childhood I’m sure, is to always have a reason. I say reason instead of excuse because, I’d say, about 95% of my excuses are actual reasons. I.E. “I can’t pay the full amount of rent on the 1st because I don’t make enough to cover that and my past-due cable bill.” When I was a kid, maybe 40% were valid, 20% were to shimmy out of “things” for another reason (like, going to a pool party on my period, or not going to a sleepover in favour of, say, a Charmed marathon) and the other 30% were just outright lies. “I’m sorry I was late, my car broke down,” when I simply over-slept or forgot.

I don’t like to burden blame. I fully believe this to be one of those pesky human conditions, so I try not to worry to much on the fact that I do do it, and more on stopping.

One instance is, for example, with state assistance. Not with the people at state assistance, but when referencing a low-income status that has been validated by the state. For example, today I had to call about summer school for Monster (story for another post) and was fully prepared to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that Monster deserves some discount since he receives free lunch and is on state assisted medical care. And I was ready to wave his Medicaid forms in their faces, if need be. I didn’t seem to realize that there was no need. I didn’t have to explain to some phone jockey why we can’t pay the exorbitant fee for summer school when we can’t really even afford gas. She flat out said, “hun, there’s no need to explain yourself, we understand.”

These things always knock me off my feet. I suppose I forget that there are probably hundreds of parents who have no money and are on welfare that have to enroll their kids in summer school. These parents probably have the same concerns about prices, and will their kid get fed? The school district probably braces for these questions, and someone nearby always has the right answer.

So, why do I feel the need to justify and anonymous inquiry? Guilt. I feel guilty for asking, for taking up someone’s time. I feel ashamed of being poor and having to beg for handouts. I feel like a terrible mother because I cringe at paying full price for summer school, which my kid needs to move to 7th grade.

My biggest concern is how do I change this? How do I stop explaining myself to others when it’s my knee jerk reaction?

I think my first step is to stop blaming myself for everything. I need to remember that I’m doing everything I can to keep our family afloat and there’s nothing more that I can do, miracles aside, to help our situation. Secondly, I need to learn and review situations. It’s not the end of the world if I’m late to a friend’s birthday, so there’s no reason for an excuse, just a “Sorry I’m late, happy birthday!” However, being late to work definitely warrants an excuse. And so on and so forth.

I guess the biggest thing I should take away from all of this introspection is that I have to relax. There are far too many triggers in my life, far too much stress. (That, if you care to know, has caused a 19 day lapse in my cycle. Jerks.) Knowing that, I still have no idea HOW to let go. But, I’m getting there.