Michigan’s Still Up

The option of moving to Michigan is still on the table, and is getting much more real than ever. I’ve put a deadline on this ridiculous hope that I’ll get a job. September 14th – if I don’t have a job by then, we’re going to start making arrangements. I realise we need to move soon in order to get myself situated in a job up there, and start our lives over again.

I’ve had a few interviews since I lost my job. Two of them were dead ends – one was through a temp agency and another failed to call for a follow-up interview – and these recent two just happened within the past 5 days. In fact, I have a follow-up interview with an HR director in a few hours.

It all sounds promising. It’s all quite exciting, the idea that a job may just be around the corner. I’m so hopeful it’s spilling into all aspects of my life, where depression usually lurks. Yes, I’m still having issues sleeping, but I have managed to sleep in both days this past weekend, and even managed to have an uninterrupted day of fun on Saturday. We saw our nieces, played card games and ate some good food. This may be TMI, but we’ve even found our spark back and we’ve actually had sex lately. It’s amazing.

Despite all this good cheer and hopefullness, I’m mindful to keep an eye on the potential future. What if we move to Michigan? Can I honestly find something good about this place that Fil paints as a terrible place to live. I’ve been thinking, weighing the pros and cons of this new place. And here they are…

Cons:

• It’s cold
• There is no Mexican food, whatsoever.
• Queso is just melted cheese.
• Did I mention, it’s cold?
• The poverty rate and unemployment rate are much higher than here.
• Crime is terrible.
• Chemical valley.
• Apparently, the Canadians drive everyone insane. (Not saying anything about Canadians…)
• It’s very hard to get out of there.
• Out gay couples are very rare in that city.
• We would be leaving my family.
• And our nieces.
• And my best friend.
• And Fil’s best friend.
• Monster’s asthma most likely will come back.
• Which means he’ll get way sick.
• Oh, and it’s COLD.

Pros:

• We would be surrounded by Fil’s very large family.
• Everyone in her family is very pro-baby.
• It would be much easier to get state assistance there.
• Canada is next door and we could get married.
• Michigan IS a blue state, after all.
• There are SO MANY BABIES THERE.
• French is more widely spoken.
• Fil would have a lot more available treatment for her cancer and bone problems.
• She already has a file with a local pain management specialist.
• Rent and food are much cheaper there.
• It’s not Sahara-desert like in the summer.

We would miss way too much about Austin to leave voluntarily. Hopefully we’re not forced into it, but there it is.

Yes, Fil’s family is very excited about the idea of us having more children. They would be incredibly supportive and more excited about it from the start than my family. Fil would get more help for her cancer and arthritis than she’s getting here. And rent is way cheaper (her brother rents a 2 bedroom for $300…)

But the cons are quite stark, because we love it here. Mexican food, warm winters, music and a large gay community make this place perfect for our little family. I want to raise all of my children in this city and it makes me panic when I imagine driving away from those wide blue skies and purple sunsets.

I pray to who ever that this interview goes well, and that I can come home and take a long nap (since I haven’t slept yet) with the knowledge that things are going in the right direction, finally.

(As a complete aside, I might be allergic to silicone. Anyone have some advice?)

A Glimpse

Recently, I’ve had several dreams involving this monster of baby-craving. In these dreams this baby that we have, Fil and I, is a round, deliciously pink little girl with chewable cheeks and thighs.

Today, the baby-craving reached all new heights of craziness. It couldn’t possibly be that Co-Worker N showed me pictures of her youngest child when she was a baby. Chewable cheeks and gnaw-worthy thighs. I almost died from the cuteness.

I had some long parenting talks with Co-Workers N and R. I was amazed at how vastly my beliefs differ from theirs. I want so many different things for my children, including freedom and knowledge that they chose their actions from their knowledge and experiences. I don’t want to be the one that’s constantly telling them what to think or believe.

It brought up a lot of other issues, in my head, where I differ so drastically from other women and their parenting styles. A lot of my beliefs on early infant rearing come from my observations of two drastically different styles, natural and modern, as well as how my parents raised me.

My neighbours were natural, while my parents were modern. My neighbours didn’t allow television until late in their children’s lives, they did cloth diapers and natural childbirth and all that jazz. My parents bought diapers from the store, used an epidural and I could watch all the television I wanted, as long as I did something else, too. My mother also breastfed me for 3 weeks, and because of that, she swears, I am a healthy adult. My neighbour breastfed her son until he was walking and talking, to the point where he could point to her chest when he wanted it. I understand that past about 9 months or so mother’s milk becomes more of a comfort tool, like a binkie or a blanket, than actual sustenance. I still think over a year is a bit much. What about those teeth? Ouch!

Fil and I have decided a lot of things already about our parenting choices. They’re mostly ordinary, most women choose these because they’re more conventional. However, the group I feel most linked to, the IVP, seems to differ from us around every corner!

We have decided to pump for 3-4 months, supplementing with soy-based formula when needed and transitioning fully at around 4 months. I wanted to breastfeed, I promise. Fil, however, informed me that if I did she’d never touch my breasts again. It became an easy decision after that. I reassured myself by figuring I will still bond with my child, in a bit of a different way.

We are both vehemently against cloth diapers. Why? They’re gross! Anyone who does it is a brave and strong person and deserves a medal. Plain and simple.

We will not co-bed through the night, only after the morning feeding and for intermittent day naps. I know that transitioning a child who is co-bedded into their own bed can be very hard, but that’s not why. It’s simply the fear of suffocating my own child. Both Fil and I are quite violent in deep sleep, and though we have had Baby B in bed with us before, it was for light napping early in the morning, not heavy dreaming sleep. The fear is well founded, and I will not risk my precious baby for that.

We will however keep our child in our bedroom with us until s/he is 6 months. I think that any earlier and I would be too neurotic to go to bed, but any later and it would be too hard to remove him/her from my bedside.

Things like natural toys/products are up in the air. How natural do you go? Obviously BPA/toxin free, but like wooden toys? We merely don’t have the money for such expenses. Plus, I feel that some products aren’t necessarily as natural as they claim. I have actually heard that Seve*nth Gener*ation diapers actually cause terrible diaper rash. If my baby gets my delicate Irish skin, that kid is going to rash it up!

We do not plan on having a natural child birth. I want to wait on the epidural until right before it’s too late. I know I’m not strong enough to last through the pushing, my tolerance for pain is really low and I think that the stress would ultimately put our baby in danger.

We will, however, ask that our baby be in the room with us at all times. Unless there is a true medical reason to take him/her away from us, s/he is staying in our room. We will care for our child and let the hospital staff do what they should, that is, make sure s/he is healthy.

Since I should be theoretically working from home, there will be no need for a doula. I would love to have one, but I don’t think it is necessary since Fil will be home too.

As for things like insurance, I have no qualms with going on state assistance. Nk went on state assistance and let me tell you, she had AMAZING care. Much like Calli, she had a great doctor, the facility was wonderfully beautiful and they were all quite competent. I won’t say nice because I don’t know. The best thing is that post-partum, state assistance covers the infant up to a year and the mother up to 3 months.

We have no qualms with taking aid from the state. Pregnancy is expensive and I’m too young to get my own plan. We definitely want to have a baby before I’m 24, so I’m okay with taking state insurance.

I know that we’re neurotic in our approach to the long wait – 9 months, mind you – but for us it is soothing. We think that everything has to be perfect or we can’t do it. If any hiccups are there in our plan we won’t feel comfortable with going ahead. It’s important to us, and at least we feel like we have some control.

HUGE emphasis on feel.

But here’s a question for you gals who made here to the bottom.

If you chose to deviate, even slightly, from a natural childbirth/rearing plan, what was the deviation, and how did you decide?

Spring

It rained this morning in Austin. Hard and heavy, thick droplets of rain smashing down onto cars, echoing off of tin and splattering against windows. These early Spring rains bring not the sticky warmth of late April, but cool breezes from the north where Winter is still queen. Yet somehow, inexplicably, these cold rains nourish the Spring bloom. Set against a grey, dismal sky the once barren trees of Austin’s Winter are now resplendent with feathery crowns of vibrant greens. The stark contrast between what my view once was, spindly trees with blackened leaves, and is now is amazing, brilliant swaying giants with shocks of bright green leaves.

This part of Spring is my favourite part, the early breaths in Texas are the most beautiful, when the air is still cool but the trees have already donned their Spring attire. As it warms through the day, the green becomes more lush, the sun cooking off the water making tendrils of steam rise against the canopy outside of the office windows. It’s so hard to concentrate, the vast view of Spring birthed before me.

Today is not a work day, not for most of us. About 45% of the office is actually concentrating, focusing on getting the last leg of work done. Most are too busy flitting around, chatting on the phone or with co-workers, grabbing lunch or taking long bathroom breaks. No one wants to be here, when the sky is still grey but the sun peaks through, hinting of the weekend to come.

I’m so thrilled for the rain, because it comes in thick diagonal sheets, blanketing our newly planted herbs and tomatoes on our porch. Because of the intermittent rain followed by heat and bright sunlight, our tomatoes are growing faster than we expected. Their little shoots shot up through the coconut husk planter so fast we quickly removed the plastic bag serving as a miniature greenhouse over the weekend. Our little herbs aren’t doing so well, two sprouts – Italian parsley and chive – have popped up and remained at the same size since then. The wait is agonizing, but soon our little porch side garden will be in full bloom.

It’s always been a big dream of mine to grow a lush, fruitful garden in my backyard. My mother grew tomatoes in an old claw foot tub in our backyard and they were so delicious and wonderful I wanted to grow thousands of tomato plants in my own first home. The good news is, Fil shares the same dream. In my imagination, I see swaying trees, ripe with plump Mexicola Grande avocados, fragrant lemons, heavy red apples and firm loquats. I see long rows of green onions, cucumbers, tomatoes, squash, beans … all kinds of vegetables and fruits.

My desire for a garden, I think, I deeply rooted in my connections to the country. I’ve mentioned my family’s roots before, I believe. My father’s side of the family, the side I know best, is from a small town in a Western county in Ireland. There, our family (my direct family, lots of cousins etc.) still owns a farm and a bed and breakfast. They were farmers, probably owned some sheep too, and I own that past with pride. My mother’s side, however, is made up of farmers, ranch workers. The land has fed, clothed and put a roof over many of their heads. My great-grandmother was a chicken farmer, her husband raised watermelons. There have always been cows, on both sides, and gardens that flourished with all sorts of delicious fruits and vegetables. When I was younger, my grandmother had a little garden, as well as a chicken coop. She had fresh eggs, cabbage and squash and I thought it was the neatest thing ever. I set it in my mind, that image of a bountiful garden replete with life giving goods.

Now, on our humble porch, the beginnings of an urban garden are taking root. Little chive, parsley and oregano struggle up through black soil, while tomato sprouts stretch and turn their leafy heads towards the sun. Every morning we check the progress of our little seedlings, wriggling with excitement to see how many new tomato stalks there are. Soon we will transplant them in a hanging basket, grape tomatoes will grow on top while plump big reds dangle below. When our first tomatoes ripen, I will pick them and some parsley and go inside to make a tomato salad with homemade mozzarella and vinaigrette.

I love Spring.

Edit: The Evolution of a Plan

Let me start of by saying thank you to halfadozenfor tipping my comment total to 100. Woohoo!

My neurotic page “The Evolution of a Plan” has fallen into disarray. That plan has altered alarmingly over the past month, going from “we’re never having a baby, period” to “I’m going to stop trying to get into nursing school and focus on getting a certification or shorter degree” to “we’re going to start trying in December, again, *BREATHE IN BAG*”

All the *huff, huff, huff* that has followed those drastic dips and rises has left me completely incapable of figuring out exactly what our plan looks like.

Now that I’ve edited it, trimmed the fat (school), figured out what we’re doing with ourselves TTC wise and other things, the plan feels smoother, smaller and more slick. I like it, a lot. The *huff, huff, huff* feeling it used to create, because it was this thing, wholly unfinished and glaring at me from my backseat, is totally gone. Now I can start working on checking those things off.

A lot of the changes came as a shock to me. Fil and I formulated the school jump as well as the need for an immediate 40 hours after I found out my parents were no longer going to be able to financially help. They could only contribute what my school had given to them in the form of a loan. At this junction in our lives, that amount of money, plus my tiny little check, will do nothing for us. Not to mention, all parental aide is cut off come May. So SCRAMBLE, is what that said to us.

I feel largely at peace with out TTC choices. I’m happy because I will have the education to be able to stay at home with my baby. I will spend so much more time with Fil, and we will get to heal our relationship. The chores will get done faster, Monster will get more attention and the baby will have 2 pairs of hands, ready to unfreeze breastmilk or change a stinky diaper. I thrill at the thought of not missing my child’s first smiles, first utterances, first steps.

Right now I’m trying very hard to get my body under control. In 9 short months we will start TTC and I want my body to be a good vessel for that little life. Cosmetically, I don’t want to be the woman who people always wonder “is she pregnant or just fat?” I want to have a gorgeous bump to put on display, rather than hide below layers of fabric like I hide my body now. I want to take pride in pregnancy, and not fall into deep depression over how much worse my body gets after the baby. I know that if I’m not happy with myself during the pregnancy, it will be so easy for me to fall into post partum depression. So very easy. So I want to be comfortable with my body before I allow it to become home for another being.

9 months. That’s all that seperates me from the start line. Wow. I need to go clean.

Good morning and Goodbye

Warning: After much jubilation and a little talk of Fil’s health, I start talking about the monthly present. Feel free to move along.

Well, the LMIL is gone. When all is said and done she was a wonderful guest. She folded our laundry when she had nothing to do, she was polite and didn’t bang around making tons of noise. She was sweet to the cats and always offered her help. But a MIL is still a MIL, no matter how lovely she can be. And now we can relax at least for a little while, until Fil starts this new barrage of tests.

Her doctor wants to run loads of tests and scans, he’s even planning on putting her in a clean room if she continues to get infections. We’re really not looking forward to this jump, because her immune system is horribly compromised, so it is highly probable that she will get another infection (her pneumonia aside) and have to go into the clean room. It would be torture for me and Monster. But if it has to happen, it has to happen. In the end I know Dr. P is doing it for her own good.

On the baby making front … there’s … well, no news. I’m not temping, I failed at January’s and haven’t started February’s cycle. But I doubt I’ll jump on the temping wagon. My schedule is leveling out slowly, I wake up at about 6 a.m. every day now, give or take 30-40 minutes. But I would like to have my schedule as level as possible, because adding something like temping into the mix could very well throw my whole schedule into spin cycle and leave me all wrinkly and confused. So, let’s try and get this “wake up at 6 every day” firmly injected into my bones then we’ll tackle the ovulation thing.

I find it very disconcerting that I have yet to get a visit from Mother Nature (I imagine she’s very busy dolling out the red stuff to ridiculously thin women on their vacations) this month. I always talk about being regular and reliable. 90% of the time I am. I will swear up and down to being as regular as the postman, sometimes early, sometimes late but mostly on time.

I’ve counted on a very long cycle of about 30 to 31 days. It’s been that way since I was in the early days of womanhood (you know, 5th grade, 10 years old). The only thing that has ever thrown me off of that schedule has been stress. That’s why I never realised I was pregnant until I was losing it, I’d been under tremendous stress and atributed my late period to that. In fact, it was the tremendous stress that caused me to lose the baby.

I assumed in January that stress was again the culprit for my 5 days late period. In essence, I should be relieved. I was starting quite regularly on the 14th of the month and our anniversary is on the 14th. At least that gives us about a 5 day window in April (if I don’t start early next month!) to revel in our 6 years of togetherness. Well, scratch that, it’s more like 1 week because I am late this month and haven’t even felt the twinge of crampiness I always feel before I start. I think I might skip February, the first time stress has ever pushed my period so far back I miss a month. Bleh x2.

Coming up is the 2 year anniversary of Fil and Monster moving to Texas. On the same day is Buddha’s 7th birthday! And the possible day we’ll recieve our tax refund. YAY!

I’m hoping that that little glimmer of goodness on the horizon will let my body relax and get everything back to normal.

More Questions and Plans

(There are some hot topic questions if you scroll down. You can skip my blabbery, even!)

Almost 6 months ago I posted my 2 year plan, with hopes of surgeries and other delightful things.

Since I’m such a planner … (I mean, my all day date with Fil is planned to the T but a part of said plan is to make it seem spontaneous!) I’ve decided to create another page just for said 2 year plan. It’s gone through changes, and I plan on putting up the drafts as they roll through my head and out of my fingers. Watch my plan grow and get accomplished on the page titled “The Evolution of a Plan”

Onto the questions. In the post Years I detailed a few pressing questions I had, simply out of curiosity from reading other blogs. My questions then honed in on natural birthing and parenting.

Since then, I’ve developed my own ideas about how I want my birthing experience to go.

But here are my new questions. I know a lot of them pertain to information most people wouldn’t cough up at gun point, so I don’t expect a lot of answers. That’s just what’s floating around in my head, bouncing off the walls and preventing me from doing my work (well not really it’s a sloooow day). If you’ve been lurking and you have an answer to something, please feel free to share it, I won’t bite!

• If I’m under the right assumption, doulas are not covered by any insurance. If that is so, then how much are doula fees? Are post-partum doulas more expensive than birthing doulas? Do you recommend a doula through the whole experience or would using just a post partum doula be okay?
•  As I STILL haven’t gotten an GYN appointment, do you recommend I find a great OB/GYN who will effortlessly transition into my OB or do you recommend seperating the two practices? (I do imagine that could get expensive, but I think insurance covers both, either together or seperate.)
• Since I have had a miscarriage, and PID associated with it, I think I need to have my internal bits looked at before we barrel ahead with TTC. How soon should I have that looked at? Whenever?
• How do you get into a routine of temping? I’m anxiously waiting my period this month so I can finally start temping. I tried it before August of 2007, hoping we would be using WonderSperm. I failed MISERABLY! What little tricks did you use to remind yourself to temp?
• Let’s talk fertility drugs. I’ve noticed that some people try once and then jump straight into using FDs. If you had to make the choice to use fertility drugs, how many tries before you started using them? What prompted the switch?
• How did you find your KD? I know I’ve pressed this question several times on this journal. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I desperately want a KD and not CryoSperm. We will still use a cryobank if it is necessary, but we want to exhaust all KD options first.
• How organised is too organised? In my life there can never be too much organisation, but I know that in the heat of TTC, most planned events go haywire and you have to improvise. Am I going down the right path, though? Formulating strong, solid ideas about what I want for my journey and yet still being willing to bend and flex.

Most importantly…

How do you over come the gnawing fear that everything will fall apart?

I really appreciate any help or guidance you can give me on this. I know my TTC days are still a good stride in the future, but one of my core beliefs is that it’s never too early to at least get an idea, if not a plan. I like knowing what I’m up against and TTC is one of the bigger beasts I will have to fight. I want so much for this experience to be a good one for Fil and myself. We’ve just gotten to normal, I think, and I’d like to keep it that way… if only in our eyes.

TTC… SRSLY?!

Everyone makes a New Year’s pact to do something… not eat greasy foods… not eat chocolate every day, only on Saturdays… stop drinking… stop smoking.

All good, valid resolutions with simple plans to keep them in effect.

This year I have the standard resolutions: get back in touch with my body, restore healthy eating habits, try exercises to return normal function of left ankle, etc.

But I have a few new ones.

Like, drink water at every meal. I do that now, but I mean at every meal. No more diet Pepsi or iced tea. Only water. Especially if we’re eating out. It will not only save us money but it will save my body, too.

Also, I won’t snack at work. Lately the early mornings and late nights have made me ravenous at 11 a.m. I was snacking on carby salty crackers and throwing back a Diet Dr. Pepper at noon, but no more. I will bring a sandwich and water bottle every day and eat only that.

Sort of a side resolution to that, I will eat breakfast every morning, even if it kills me. No diet/exercise schedule will work if I don’t eat at least 3 meals a day. It’s also really bad for my blood sugar that likes to plummet after a few hours of constant monotony.

And I will meditate… because 20 minutes a day helps keep the doctors AWAY.

I will talk to my doctor about my various health concerns. Namely, a possible thyroid problem, gas pains before ovulation and during my period and my damn hips. I will also see the dentist and have my wisdom teeth removed before they destroy my perfect orthodontics.

I will take care of myself in every way possible. I will only buy clothes that fit me right and that make me feel like I’m on top of the world. I will straighten my hair whenever I want because it makes me feel good. I won’t wear make up because I’m beautiful without it. And I will find a pair of pretty, comfortable flats to wear to work.

I will work hand in hand with Fil to help JT through therapy and medication so that he can get better, happier and healthier.

I will work on this relationship with Fil so that we are safe and sound and confident in ourselves as a couple. We will be the amazing couple we once were and I will help her kick cancer’s ass.**

I will keep thinking like we’re going to start TTC come next November and by then I will be serene and Earth Mother Goddess about it.

We will find our donor. He will be perfect and wonderful and beautiful and will be so much like Fil you’d never know the baby wasn’t part of her, and part of me.

(First we have to, you know, make FRIENDS in order to find that perfect, wonderful donor I talk about. How do we do that, huh?)

And on that TTC note, I will try to convince Fil to start a nest egg fund over the summer, since we’ll hopefully both be working.

On that working note, I will try very hard to be a valuable asset to this department. I will be so damn valuable that D, my boss, will want to make me full time and give me a raise and it.will.be.glorious.

Just wait and see. The new me? The NEWAtt is going to take the freakin’ world by storm.

** That totally includes WAY more sex than we are having now!